Breaking Dawn Part Two
A Review

  As the observant have noted, I have kind of a thing for Twilight. No, I’m not the screaming fan who waits for the next installment, nor am I going to say I like the films “ironically”, namely because only horrible people who are unable to process amusement will say such things. No, I certainly do enjoy Twilight – just not the way the author intended.

  It’s stupid, poorly crafted, Stockholm Syndromy schlock, and I love it to pieces because of how relevant our culture has made it. It’s so hammy and earnest and incompetent that I can’t help but want to keep it around.

  That being said, holy shit was the last movie bad in a totally inventive way for the series. It’s one thing to scrape the bottom of the barrel: it’s something else entirely to start excavating the moldy earth beneath the barrel looking for earthworm excrement. But I’m not going to sit here and bash Twilight in yet another essay about why it sucks.

  I’m going to do it with haiku.

Breaking Dawn Part Two
Really? Opening credits?
Was that necessary?

You should not make us
wait for this dreck. Oh, wait... you’re
guilty for Part One:

endless montages,
fifteen second-long dull shots...
My bad. Continue.

“Bea-u-tiful Swan”
Glitt’ry vampire, sees world through
bland True Blood filter

Edward no longer
mumbles through gritted teeth, though
it’s still spoken crap.

Jacob Black does strip.
The reason? To dampen the
seats of minors and

some select adults.
Oh? Was that joke awkward? He
does it while under

Mustache Dad’s sad gaze.
Charlie, the best character,
has but five damn lines.

Also, Jacob wants
to rock a kid’s bones. Ick. Ick.
This movie’s unclean.

Like anyone else? Tough!
Meet some new assholes instead!
The writers don’t care!

Cullens need X-men
Quick! Gather stereotypes!
Insulting? You bet!

Established people?
Character Development?
The fuck you on? Crack?

Not plot enough for
one movie, let alone two.
Blame Harry Potter.

Suffice it to say,
through both thick and thin, Bella
remains non-actor.

Defer to others
Despite shiny vampire force
Vaginas drain strength.

CGI Baby!
Oh, what a horror to see!
Who thought that was good?

Pro-life message of
last film loses meaning when
child’s Cthulhu spawn.

Overall, acting
has greatly improved: Michael
Sheen’s scenery chew.

A goofy-ass laugh
Sounds like a throttled peacock.
Not a negative.

Hey, a fight scene! Neat!
Except it’s all a ruse. Damn.
No consequence... fuck.

Ouroborus? Ha!
Needed to keep our focus.
Siren did it well.

Mountains around Forks
have lava ‘neath the ground? Huh?
Did I miss something?

Oh, that’s right. No one
on cast nor crew gave a shit.
Call it as I see.

Indulgent credits
In-memoriam-esque – why?
Who the hell died, guys?

This film insults as
Twilight and as a movie
My verdict? It sucks.

Not to be crass, though
it’s plainly in my nature,
you deserve much more.

Yes, you, lover of
this silly “romantic” tome.
Think they care ‘bout you?

They split this up, sliced
in twain - and why? Your wallet -
to hell with your love!

Cinemaphile:
Technically proficient
this barely describes.

Anemic plotline.
Endless greenscreens or bad shots?
It could go both ways

To sum, compound swear:
Shit-filth-flaccid-fucked-squid-lips-
badger-shit-time-sink.

     

  

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