Facts About the People and Places of the United States
Alabama
All citizens of Alabama are required to take blood communion with the squirrels that run all levels of civic life. This has inculcated in Alabamans an instinctive and fierce defense of all squirrels, to the point of murdering those who slander their name.
Alaska
Ever wonder what kind of person lives in the quasi-permanent, harrowing dusk that plagues the great north? Well, Alaskans are actually all lithovores, meaning that they eat rocks! They digest the stones with a complex series of gizzards and ATV accidents.
Arizona
Long ago, the settlers of Tucson tried to enter into a pact with local Djinn to supply their families with food and water. The Djinn, being mischievous, set them all on fire instead. To this day, Arizonans have a fear of names that begin with the letter “d” and will be reduced to fits should they hear one.
Arkansas
Since it is true that no Arkansan may be defeated by conventional means, all citizens of this state carry with them a device called “Skunk Knuckles”, an unconventional tool which allows for the settling of all physical disputes.
California
If you’ve ever met a Californian, you have heard effusive praise of In-N-Out Burger. It is because, in a yearly ritual, those who reach maturity who do not claim In-N-Out as the best—nay, only—burger in existence are torn apart limb from limb by their peers in a grisly ritual to appease T’guthaa’ga, Elder God of Mediocre Burger Chains.
Colorado
Coloradans are immune to all iterations of flame, both magical and natural, which explains why none of them seem to flinch when their entire state catches on goddamn fire.
Connecticut
It is impossible for anyone in Connecticut to remember where they put their keys while standing up. Should they alter their posture, the memory will come back, but only until they stand up again. This is why it is the only state with an official walk: The Worm.
Delaware
Delaware is constantly “just sitting down to dinner”, making them the only state impervious to telemarketers and Jehovah’s Witnesses. By its very nature, it also makes the act of eating impossible, so the vast majority of nutrients are absorbed from the air. The leads to the average Delawarean to be in a perpetual state of low-blood sugar crankiness.
Florida
Floridians have an innate ability to know the exact temperature, pressure, and probability of precipitation at any time. Scientists theorize that this is because Floridians will instantly die if exposed to snow. At least, that’s the only reason anyone can think of for wanting to live in Florida.
Georgia
Georgians are unable to speak with any inflection, rendering any conversation with them a potential minefield of misunderstandings and insults. To prevent this, an inventive Georgian native developed a powerful machine, worn on the head, which exaggerates all facial expressions to help ease these communication problems. Unfortunately, this leads to Georgians’ faces losing all elasticity by age 23.
Hawaii
The only state that can move of its own volition, Hawaii has been known to harass merchant vessels and run cruises aground before sending out its citizens to retrieve any and all copies of the movie Roadhouse they can find. This has created a significant Swayze gap between Hawaii and the remaining 49 states.
Idaho
Since potatoes release a pheromone that causes severe despondence in the population, Idahoans are rarely far from their trusty gasmasks. However, ambulatory tubers have been known to infiltrate otherwise secure rooms, leading to many unsuspecting citizens to be terminally sad before they even realize what’s happening. This is the third leading cause of death in Idaho, right after potatolanche and heart disease.
Illinois
In the aftermath of the Great Chicago Fire, the citizens of Illinois determined that they would never again be the victims of circumstance. While the city was rebuilt into the sky, it was also built into the earth, a vast network of underground warrens of clicking clockwork machinery linking the world above and below. Many generations of citizens lived both above and below, and many more never knew the light of the sun. It is prophesized that the city of Chicago will soon rise in its true form, seeking to destroy all cows in the Midwest once and for all.
Indiana
No, you’re thinking of Ohio. Don’t apologize, happens all the time.
Iowa
All Iowans are required to have a minimum of sixteen (16) servings of corn per day. While conventional wisdom places the root cause on subsidies, the reality is that Iowans discovered long ago that corn is sentient and has grown to hate humanity. Our reliance upon it as a food and energy source has made the cornfolk both vengeful and numerically superior, so Iowa took an unbreakable oath to preserve humanity by launching a secret war against the kernels of ever-growing evil.
Kansas
All evidence points to the fact that, yes, Kansas is indeed a thing that has people in it. The more you know, right?
Kentucky
Horses long ago took over both houses of Kentucky’s parliament, passing sweeping legislation that limit the rights of bipeds in the state. Among such referenda was the infamous “Now We See Who Rides Whom Act”, mandating that, at any time, horses could demand to ride humans. It is rare to see a Kentuckian without back problems outside of state borders.
If you’re wondering why the Honorable Lord of Kentucky does nothing, it is because he is a dog.
Louisiana
All Louisianans are susceptible to poisoning by a combination of spearmint and cremini mushrooms. Evolution has therefore given them specialized organs in their noses which can detect trace amounts of the toxins in the air. Sadly, these glands make for highly prized ingredients in neighboring Arkansas, as they are believed to confer virility and a permanent “unconventional” status to the eater, allowing them to forgo the use of Skunk Knuckles in combat.
Maine
The people of Maine are prone to fits of delirium which cause them to shift into the mannerisms of neighboring Canada. This is a ruse, however, as in an earlier era defenseless Canadians were the primary food source of these hardy citizens. This attempt to lower the guard of their prey is just as effective with tourists, and many have been skeletonized in seconds mistaking a Mainer for the gentle Canadian.
Maryland
All citizens of Maryland are actually wooden puppets controlled by one person. Law enforcement from other states has routinely attempted to find the culprit under the idea that arresting the perpetrator will release the puppets from their unholy continence and give them what everyone assumes is their original human form. Unfortunately, when a non-wooden lifeform crosses the state border, all citizens of the state snap their eyes in its direction and will stare, motionless, until the interloper leaves. This unsettling sight ensures that whoever controls the citizens will most certainly never be caught.
Massachusetts
Due to a tragic mistake involving a printing press, every word spoken by a Massachusettsian will have way, way too many consonants. The longer a conversation goes, the more consonants are added until a written transcript of a single sentence can take pages and anyone hearing it will become lightheaded. This quirk is actually transmittable, and anyone heard to be adding unnecessary letters to their conversations “for fun” and “for just a little Northeastern kick” should be brought to the nearest Massachusetts embassy for immediate relocation.
Michigan
Originally, census takers were under the mistaken impression that Michigan just had the highest rate of twins in the Union. The reality is that when rapid cell division swept the country in 1883, Michigan became so committed that they began to reproduce that way, finding it to be cleaner and less worrisome than standard human relationships. By 2050, there will only be 20 base citizens of Michigan continuing to reproduce in this manner; the others were either destroyed with flamethrowers following the cytoplasmic uprising of 1976 or due to disease thanks to a stagnant gene pool.
Minnesota
If a traveler successfully guesses a Minnesotan’s true name upon first meeting them, they may assume their identity and take whatever wealth they can carry. Failure curses the traveler to become the night clerk of a lower-tier motel until the end of time.
Mississippi
While the majority of the United States uses the “Mississippi Rule” to count out seconds for increased accuracy, Mississippians use the long discredited “Quixilmixlrupertphilanthropopyl Method”. As such, all years in the state are 784 days long.
Missouri
It is a well-known fact that Missourians can only move when not being observed and will freeze in place if eyes are upon them. Because of this, they have mastered telepathy and a limited “blink teleportation” to assist with their seeming motionlessness. Their only vocalization is a high-pitched whoop, made in moments of alarm, which can burst the eardrums of those who seek to do a Missourian harm.
As a bonus fact, this entire situation came about because Herbert Hoover famously described Missouri as, “That goofy-ass place with those fuckers who walk funny.”
Montana
Montanans are not only born with wings, they are raised to believe that they are not. As such, when talking to someone from Montana, always make firm eye contact and never ask about the wings.
“How hard can that be?” you may wonder.
Very.
Nebraska
Nebraska does not exist. If you think that you have ever driven through Nebraska, you are wrong. If you believe that you have met someone from Nebraska, they were actually from South Dakota.
We apologize for the error.
Nevada
The idea that Nevadans are masters of disappearances is actually a flawed interpretation of a far darker reality. The state’s foundational documents lay out that, in order to stave off the sand devils, the middle child of every family must be sacrificed. No one realized at the time that such an unspeakable deed had the potential to create an additional middle child, should the parents’ fecundity prove too great. This has led to many instances of accidental births, perhaps a decade or more after the last sacrifice, leading to the “disappearances” of Nevadans who had fled to other states.
New Hampshire
New Hampshirites are well known for their ability to communicate with the dead. Unfortunately, the dead are fantastically boring, leading the citizens of the state to take up lying as an art form. As such, the only way to get the truth from a New Hampshirite is to find a way to tie their fate to yours, guaranteeing honesty. The easiest route is marriage, although insisting on splitting the check at dinner is probably the most effective.
New Jersey
The only issue that New Jersians actually agree on is an overwhelming hatred of Zach Braff. When questioned why, they will gaze at the horizon, frown, and grunt, “He knows what he did.”
New Mexico
When encountering a specimen from New Mexico, the subject appears to grow larger the further away you view them. As you draw near, the citizen will appear to shrink, until they become an average-sized human at the distance of three feet or so. If you come any closer, however, you will upset the crystal apparatus responsible for the illusion, and reveal that, in reality, all people from New Mexico are piles of jellyfish creatively squished into trench coats.
New York
Everyone in New York instinctively believes that New York City is the heart of all U.S. culture, much to the chagrin of Californians, who think that L.A. is the heart of all U.S. culture. This inevitably leads to drunken arguments and awkward standing mutual masturbation while the rest of the United States sits quietly in the room with pursed lips, trying to be unobtrusive.
North Carolina
North Carolinians are aligned with the spirit of water, meaning that they cannot be drowned. They can, however, be reduced to a liquid state and consumed when weakened. This is why all citizens wear buckets on their feet instead of shoes.
North Dakota
Aligned with the lightning spirit, North Dakotans can recharge all batteries and power all electrical items simply by holding them. Sadly, all forms of human contact will kill the unshielded non-North Dakotan. It is always recommended that visitors wear rubber suits, and any North Dakotan travelling the country should always don their security inner-tube.
Ohio
Nah, you want Indiana. Really, they told you that? Weird. Sorry for the confusion, but what else can I say?
Oklahoma
For whatever reason, one cannot say, spell, or infer Oklahoma! without the use of some kind of exclamation. Whether it’s bolded, italicized, or the more traditional exclamation point, all instances of Oklahoma! require one to shout. This has led to all Oklahomans! to be really, really loud no matter how many times you tell them you have to work in the morning, Gary.
Oregon
Sandwiched between California and Washington, all Oregonians feel left out and will spend their entire adult lives standing in dark, furnitureless rooms in front of the only window. Anyone who comes to visit will only receive a slow turn of the head in their direction before the Oregonian resumes their listless, sad evaluation of the world beyond.
Pennsylvania
Thanks to a pact and a slight misunderstanding of the concept of “surface area”, Pennsylvanians can claim any bird as their home state, regardless of where they are. Pennsylvanians, therefore, have an earned reputation as troublemakers, often carrying various tiny birds in their pocket as they run amok so as to claim “avian immunity”.
Rhode Island
Those from Rhode Island (or “Gertrude”, as it is called by local residents) must return to eat the soil of the land of their birth every 24 hours. The results of failure are unclear, although it is speculated that the Doomed Travelers one occasionally sees on the roadways of the United States are former Rhode Islanders, as their habit of devouring the soil wherever they tread is hauntingly reminiscent of the Rhode Island rituals.
South Carolina
Aligned with the mighty elemental spirit of metal, South Carolinians are powerful warriors capable of feats of strength that are the envy of the world. They are also magnetic, which means that they are often seen covered in notes others have left for themselves, mistaking the Carolinian as an ambulatory, anxious refrigerator.
South Dakota
Like the other north/south states, South Dakota has a patron elemental spirit. Unfortunately, it is the element of gallbladder. While they do have an array of bile-related powers, most citizens will spend more of their lifetime explaining to outsiders what the gallbladder does than anything else, leading the population to be generally annoyed in most circumstances.
Tennessee
As the inventors of the pickup line in 1988, Tennesseans are supernaturally drawn to any social gathering. It is actually statistically unlikely that there will be any party, anywhere, without a Tennessean present.
As a corollary, as the inventors of the pickup line, scientists estimate that the last Tennessean, alone and unsuccessful in the art of love, will die in the 2040s.
Texas
As punishment for the state collectively stealing a witch’s last can of Coke, Texans were long ago cursed with a thirst that could only temporarily be quenched. Adversity breeds ingenuity, however, and this is precisely why they invented the Beer Stetson, the precursor to our modern beer hat.
Utah
From an early age, those born in Utah learn to stomp the ground rhythmically with every third step. This quirk is a survival tactic, as Utah is plagued by the dreaded burrowing mesa goats, which devour all who tread lightly on their lands.
Vermont
The citizens of Vermont must ritualistically carve a penance rune into their flesh whenever they hear someone make a joke about Vermont and maple syrup.
That includes this one.
I’m so sorry.
Virginia
In testament to its name, all who dwell within Virginia are locked in a state of virginity (despite it being a social construct). To increase their numbers, an elite group of mercenaries kidnap people from neighboring states to replenish their stock. Virginians are unable to understand the concept of or hear the word “sex” in any form, interpreting it as an alien tongue that will drive them into a gluttonous frenzy.
Washington
Washington’s citizens are largely docile during the day, but never—under any circumstances—make contact with one in its unactivated state. At nightfall, all Washingtonians become fierce and relentless predators, and they will track any foreign scent left on their clothes or skin for years until they make the kill.
West Virginia
West Virginians are where those Virginians who discover porn are left to gibber and perpetually masturbate.
Wisconsin
Wisconsinites are locked into a byzantine caste system that is largely imperceptible to outsiders. The system—itself consisting of tiers of subtle variances of sports, beer, cheese, and serial killer preference to name but a few things—determines everything about you, from your school to career. Wisconsinites will often marry across castes so long as the appropriate sacrifices are made, but woe be upon those who bring a soul from Illinois into the family.
Wyoming
Although a people who desire entertainment above all else, everyone from Wyoming instinctively sympathizes with the exact wrong character in any piece of fictional media, from the Empire in Star Wars to Slytherin House in Harry Potter. As such, many creators will come to Wyoming in the middle of the night to test their works on the willing audience. If the work is successful, a relieved author will leave the audience furious that their chosen hero lost. If unsuccessful, the deliriously pleased crowd will tear the artist and their work asunder.
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