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Welcome to the Album of Darkness!


Apart from being a reference to an aggressively silly (and hilarious) Sam Raimi movie, this is my collection of weird/offensive/funny photos from my various travels. They can be obtuse, to be sure, but that's half the fun!



The one that started it all. Imagine the sound of thousands of these little bastards heading right to your front door. Then... oh, then you shall know true fear. Culver's Makes Some Interesting Choices Customer Serminar Agh! Lobster! Well, now I know where to go.

Contractions! Now deleting letters you didn't want them to! Wh... what's wrong with your knees? For the... I dunno... Irishman who hates himself? Ba ha ha! Really? I had my suspicions, but wow! Put it in the what? PUT IT IN THE BLUE WHAT!?

Not pictured: a good ad campaign. Why, no. But I'm sure someone is! Classy. Real classy. Aaaaannnnnd... now. NOW we've started circling the drain. We don't know how to use commas!

Trust me. I'm a doctor. And totally NOT a knockoff product. Hold up. What am I getting here? Something Cola free? What is that, like... like water? New traditional? I know what you mean, but... really? Just... fine, whatever. Bam! Take that, genitals! Ayn Rand's tale of what now? You are talking about... like... THE Ayn Rand, right? Not a hippie named Ayn Rand?

Well, at least this is one way to get his face near his fan's faces (boom). These pants are cropped to a fairly ridiculous degree. This is booby trapped AND patrolled? I feel bad for the security guard, personally. The correct answer is Hans Gruber, and I'm ashamed of all of you. True story: I was walking to my car and there were intact fish scattered on the ground in an alley. I have no explanation for this other than a) someone's lunch gently exploded or b) someone really hates fish.

Chap... ain? Chap pain? I think that's it. I present to you an orange obstruction to progress out of touch with observable reality. Huh. I thought I'd be farther. 'So, what goes well with a diet product?' 'A high calorie sugar-cocoa bar?' 'BRILLIANT!' BIIIIIIIIRDS!

Biscuit in a tree? Buscuit in a tree! I'm... not sure what to do about this. Between the armpit stain and mutant flipper-hand, I'm kinda terrified by Captain Murph. Perhaps it was buffalo chicken. Or... someone... is dumb. I don't know. Clearly, G.I. Joe is not one of them.

In case of firaga, use reflect. I don't see what the big deal about nuclear disarmament is. They seem pretty harmless. And it explains why ducking under a desk would protect you. I SMELL CONSPIRACY! Ew! Don't touch it!

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